Scary Snake Story

This was the moment that turned Lacey and Shirley lesbians for life. They vowed to never go another day without wearing the same pink outfit again... until one day when Shirley started donning plaid flannel.

I was told the following story last night, and while it may have happened to a friend of a friend of a friend, it's not an urban legend. It is a true story, and I find it to be rather disturbing. If you hate snakes, don't read on - this is the most disturbing snake story I've heard.

After rehearsal last night, a group of us went out to Green Mill for some cheap apps and drinks. Somehow conversation turned into scary stories of burglaries, pet nightmares, and to us theatre folks, theatre horror stories. I might have to tell one of those after the snake story as those tend to be hilarious albeit an actor's worst nightmare come true.

Heather's friend went to a bridal shower. It was at the bride-to-be's house, where some of the girls had been before. They noticed that the host's pet boa constrictor was gone, and so they asked her what happened...

Apparently, the woman, who loved her pet snake and trusted it whole-heartedly (I can only assume), would let the snake roam free about her house. I'm guessing this is all because the pet was rather large, and she felt bad confining it to such a small space... who knows exactly.

Well, the snake stopped eating one day. The owner got worried that the snake was dying and called the vet. The vet told her that sometimes snakes get bored with what you're feeding them and like a change of food every now and then.

The owner took this advice and immediately bought a new type of food for the snake. Still, the snake refused to eat.

One morning shortly after, the woman woke up and found the snake in bed with her. I guess the snake had done this before, having free range of the house and all, as this wasn't what worried her... instead, she was scared because the snake was stretched out and stiff as a board.

Convinced that her snake was dying, she immediately called the vet again and told them what was happening. Over the phone the vet told her;

"Get out of your house right now. The snake is measuring you up to see if it can eat you. It's been fasting."

Needless to say, she ran outside, called animal control, and they took the snake away.

Isn't that disturbing!? I mean holy crap! If you ever own a snake, let alone a boa constrictor, then I suggest not letting it have free reign of the entire house, and for your own sake, switch up it's food every now and then or it'll switch it up for you...

I should be working... so I'm not going to tell one of the acting horror stories, but let me tell you... you will never hear so many crazy stories than those told by actors... where else will you find conversations combining a barfing dracula on a zip line, spewing over the audience, and Julie Andrews?

This is appropriately titled Huge Dead Snake

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Give a Dog a Bone

Continuing from The Canine Caper

"You just happen to always carry around a tranquilizer with you that is big enough for a man-sized dog?" I asked my partner as we pulled into headquarters.

"Just made sure I was prepared."

There had been next to no information given to us in our briefing of the mission that we had just accomplished. How was anyone going to be prepared when the very thing you're preparing against is an unknown?

"We have the case," my partner said as we walked into The Head of the agency's office. The Head took the cigar box out of my partners' hand. Inside was a small tape. A rough voice, similar to the poodle's, spoke out of the small recorder now in The Head's hands.

'A male dog is given the title "man's best friend" as he walks on all fours and barks at the postman. Give a dog a bone and he will slobber on the floor. Give a dog the mind with which to form words and the strength with which to walk on his hind legs, and he will be put to rest by man, deemed too dangerous to live. What does that say about the company one man keeps?'

The recording ended there.

"We came across some more information when you were away," said The Head.

"That the man we encountered wasn't a man at all? A little too late for that," I snorted back.

"Both of you must head out immediately to the following location." He threw us a folder "All of the information you require is in there."

"How about another tranq?" I asked.

***

There were only two things in the folder: a picture of a black handbag and a printed out list of directions from mapquest which led us south-east to an abandoned factory. It had previously been owned by a dog-food company who specialized in making 'top of the line biscuits and bones,' or so the sign out front said.

"How appropriate."

The factory was not a small building by any means. To locate a small purse could take a very long while.

We started on the main floor, which only made sense. It was a very old factory, and had broken windows all over the place, most likely from immature children throwing rocks. You had to watch where you stepped in this place.

Having already searched a majority of the offices on the ground floor, with no luck of course, we were in the process of rummaging through yet another when my partner tapped me on the shoulder. I closed the cabinet drawer I had just finished looking through and turned to face him. My partner was staring out of one of the southbound windows. There, in the unkept grass behind the building, was a large mound of freshly dug earth.

The two of us hurried out to the mound and dug up the black bag.

"What are you doing?" I asked him as he opened up the purse. "Leave it for The Head!"

My partner took out his own recorder and put the tape in and hit play. The same voice sounded.

'A female dog lies on the ground as a living factory to a new generation, a new litter, and she's called "Bitch". Her children are sold at the benefit of her owner, and when she can no longer supply she is taken out back and shot, deemed too old. Ever heard of your owner's previous pup? I wonder why not.'

The tape stopped.

"DOWN!" came a voice just inside the factory. Out emerged a lovely golden retriever, who, just like the poodle, was walking on its hind legs.

My partner pulled out another syringe.

From behind the retriever came at least a dozen smaller versions, all standing on their hind legs as well.

"Prepare for this?" I asked.

...to be continued.

The Canine Caper

While on a mission that our agency had labeled "The Canine Caper", my partner-in-crime and I were standing in a dimly lit office, waiting for the man with whom we would do business to arrive. Our briefings had included us to be on our toes at all times, but being on your toes during a simple trade-off seemed unnecessary for the most part.

"There are things out there you will only believe on sight," we had been told rather vaguely before we had been sent on our way.

We were only waiting for a few moments before the door opened. My partner and I watched in amazement as a man-sized poodle walked upright like a human into the dimly lit office.

"Down!" the dog said with a rough bark-like tone.

My partner immediately kneeled on the ground and sat on his feet. The poodle turned it's head in my direction. He lifted a puzzled eyebrow and cocked his head to the side as if looking at me diagonally would answer any questions in his mind.

"Down!" he barked again.

I had a strange feeling that I should follow the advice of this poodle, even if I consciously didn't want to. Whatever this silly game was, I would follow along and pretend to be as brainwashed as my pathetic partner. I knew that it would be in my best interest for the time being, so I too kneeled on the ground and sat on my feet.

"Beg!" demanded the poodle.

My partner lifted up his butt, making a backwards L with his body, and attempted a yapping sound. His hands hung limp at his sides like a t-rex. His tongue hung limp from his mouth as if trying to catch some popcorn that had just been launched into the air. I followed suit.

"Stand!"

We stood up.

"Turn"

We turned around 180 degrees so our backs were now towards the dog-man.

"Walk!"

We started walking towards the wall. I noticed a marking on the floor a few feet in front of us. It looked like a square etched in the wood; a very large square big enough to fit two people. Cutting down the middle of the square was another marking. The poodle was leading us to a trap door!

I pushed my partner off his course. He fell to the floor with a hard thud.

"Where am I?" he asked. His hypnotic state had worn off.

"DOWN!" The dog spat. "DOWN!!" He started hopping towards me. I ran around the markings on the floor to the other side of the trap door. In his rage the poodle headed straight at me, blind of what was in his path. As he hopped into the middle of the square, the floor gave away and the poodle fell into darkness.

I hurried over to my partner, helped him off the floor, and the both of us started raiding the office. We found what we had been looking for hidden at the back of a desk drawer. Just as I grabbed the item in my hand, the office doors flew open with a bang.

The poodle was standing there, growling. An orange plastic ball was balancing on his nose.

"It was a slide into a ball pit!" He barked, and with a twich of his snout sent the ball flying up in the air only to come back down in his mouth. His sharp teeth pierced the ball and it popped with the sound similar to a gun when fired. The dog spit out the orange mess onto the ground. "I just wanted to have some fun! You RUINED my fun!" He ran at us, but my partner was quick and stabbed him with a syringe he had drawn from his pocket.

The dog tumbled back off his hind legs. He awkwardly walked around the room on all fours before falling over, unconscious.

"Down," said my partner, as he pushed the dog over the trap door and back down the slide.

With our mission complete we left the office on our way back to headquarters.

---this story was inspired by a dream I had last night---