I Don't Know, Good Question

***Disclaimer: I apologize in advance for this depressing entry. I don't believe in deleting something I've written and posted, even if I look back on it and regret it... I may have needed the cathartic release... but, just to balance it out I might post something a little more upbeat and happy later on, if my mood improves by the end of the day***

I'm not big on posting personal troubles on this blog - it doesn't make for fun/happy-go-lucky blogs - But, I just can't think of anything but troubles today - my mind right now is a complete pile of mush and I'm on the verge of another anxiety attack - I had one last Friday when I was at work and I left early, I can't do that again.

The last time before last week that I had one of these attacks was over a year prior - when I was working for a different company and was being intimidated/harassed by my manager and my manager's manager who was secretary to the president of the company. It ended with me getting distracted while at work and making subconscious mistakes here and there, which ultimately got me terminated. It was not a good time in my life, but I was able to find employment within a week, and the month's worth of severence made for a nice break. I've been with that new employment since, and I have a real manager now; not a hot-headed, non-business-like manager who was in desparate need of anger-management.

If it's not my job, then what is causing this anxiety?

Life in general, at the moment. Work + Theatre + Housesitting/Dogsitting leave little time to stop and think. To be more personal, which I'm almost scared to be on here, are guys. If you have ever known me, you will probably have noticed that I am never with someone on my arm, I'm always single.

I can't tell you how many times in the past week alone that I've been asked "Why are YOU single?" - I just don't have an answer to that.

In some scenarios, I become infatuated by someone, for having an amazing personality and being attractive... but I can't control my infatuation very well at all, when it happens. I will push the person away somehow, by becoming clingy or always wanting to talk to them/be around them.

In others, I settle for someone that isn't necessarily my cup of tea, but is a good person, and then I just get angry right away. I know I don't want to be with them, and so I'll get touchy... nothing will happen as I get scared to hurt their feelings by telling them that I'm not interested anymore, and then when it happens I lose even a friendship with them.

Then there are the times when I'm just not attracted at all. I don't try to be anyone else but me, and they fall head over heels.

Why can't I just have that same sense of mind with guys that I do find interesting and do genuinely like? Why can't I just sit back and not feel the need to impress them or talk with them all the time? Why can't I control the urge to express my feelings? I'm just so bad at this dating game... it's depressing.

Valentines Day doesn't ever really get me down, and it didn't this year... this morning I woke up feeling really good... but then things happen. People text me or write me or somehow let me know that I'm rejected once again. Even if they know me, and they know that I'm not normally clingy or obsessive, that I have a hard time controlling these emotions when they pop up, that they can't look past my flaws right now and they need to get as far away as possible.

Nothing has ever worked for me in calming down my nerves when I get infatuated/rejected, and while I have some good things to look forward to in the future, it's all just overpowered by this feeling of being alone... being rejected... my whole life of dating has been a rejection

so when people ask me why I'm single, I mainly say "I don't know, good question" because saying "when I like someone, I get uncontrolably clingy in the beginning, and I have a tendancy to smother someone to the point of them wanting to move to China" isn't going to help my cause AT ALL.

So right now, to those few of you that I may have pushed away, although none of them will probably ever read this, I apologize for putting you in an uncomfortable position. It's a shame for me to project myself in a manner that doesn't give justice to the terrific person that I am.

We all have flaws, and mine just happens to be a hill that nobody is willing to climb. At least I will always have my family, and some theatre friends

Half-ass Blog Post 2

Feeling a little blue today.

It Was Only A Dream...

This will be a fairly long post... with no pictures or videos. I had a dream last night that shook me so hard that when I woke up I got out of bed, wrapped a blanket around myself, and just had to walk around... It was very vivid, and I will try to explain it to my best abilities.

Alright, this was my dream...

In the beginning, I dreamt that I was just waking up for the day. I got out of my bed, walked out into the hallway upstairs, and before I knew it I had this very abrupt, very exciting idea: a new bedroom. I remembered, a false memory as is usual in a dream, that my parents had moved their bedroom from the south-east bedroom on the second level to the south-west bedroom a long while ago.

In reality the "south-east bedroom" is actually a regular sized bathroom, but as I walked into it in my dream it was a very large bedroom. It stretched out onto the roof of the living room downstairs, and had a sliding glass door that led out onto a balcony, through which the morning sun was shining. There were large windows facing south that looked out over the back yard.

Just so you understand why I would want to move into this bedroom, I have too much big furniture for the size of my room which inevitibly creates a rather cramped feeling. This room was much bigger than my current bedroom, and maybe I could even fit my sectional couch in it!

I hurriedly ran downstairs, desperate to find someone. Blurry transition to a golf course where I'm driving around the parking lot trying to find a space. Somehow I knew that my parents were at this golf course, and only my dad would be able to give the go ahead for me to move into the south-east bedroom.

It was very busy, and there wasn't a spot that I could find, but I did see my dad close by. I pulled up onto the grass next to him. It was very thick grass here, and appeared to have not been mowed in a short while. I noticed a man just a few feet in front of me getting ready to putt into the bottom of a circular podium next to my car.

"Am I on the course? I should find a different place to park."
"It's ok," said my dad. "I'll get an extra ball if you join the game."
"Where's mom?" I randomly asked.
"Oh, she went back home. She said that she had had a very weird encounter with some old guy and was pretty shaken."

Without really noticing, I was suddenly standing outside. My car was gone, but I didn't pay attention to it, just like I passed over my dad's last statement and moved on to the reason why I was there.

"Dad, I just had an idea when I woke up today. Now, you know how my room faces north-west and I don't get much sun shining in it, especially in the winter... and you know how it's fairly cramped because I have so much large furniture... well I thought that maybe I could move into your and mom's bedroom."

I had meant to say 'former bedroom', but somehow I missed the former. Just as I asked this, I remembered the reality of the south-east room, that it was in all actuality a bathroom, and then I realized what I had just asked my dad, which now seemed completely pathetic. I was embarassed like no other.

"That sounds like a great idea!" He said.
"What??"
"You can move into our bedroom, sure! Your mom and I will just move to The Bahamas!" He laughed aloud at his joke. My embarassment sunk even further. I love my dad but I'm not a big fan of his humor sometimes, especially when it's at my expense.

Completely overreacting I interrupted his chortling with a very stern "Fuck you!" and hurried away into the parking lot. As I was walking away, my mind registered that my car had disappeared. Had I moved it to an actual parking space? I couldn't remember. Crap! And, I had just stormed away from my dad in a protest... if I have to make a U-turn now and head back near him to get my car I will look like a complete dumbass, not to mention the strength behind my message to him will be lost while we both concentrate on my stupid choice of direction.

For those of you who don't know me too well - I over-analyze everything, maybe that's why my dreams are always so vivid - anyway!

After I walked a good 60 feet or so I turn around to look for my car. As I'm looking around I see a van facing me. It is completely dark inside except for a white hand, bright from the sun's rays, that's being held out over the dashboard, waving. I walk closer to the van, and I notice it's my mother. She has a petrified look on her face; her eyes are wide, and her lips are parted. I can see she's clenching her teeth. Some mumbled garble is emitted from her throat, as she tries to repeat her encounter with some creepy, old man.

"He had is windows up, they were tinted."

"Oh mom! It's ok!" I rush over to the passenger's side door. All of a sudden I have a bag with me, and I toss it through the open window and onto the seat.

"The side door." She says as she motions behind her.

My mom suffered from a syndrome called 'guillain barre' or 'French Polio' in lamens terms which deals with the nervous system and results in severe paralysis and sometimes death if not treated. One can make a full recovery, if treated correctly. She got it when I was little, about seven, and there were many hard times that we all had to face as she recovered. It's an entirely different story for another time, but to sum it up, the doctor my mom had orginally been seeing for recovery was performing malpractice on the case for a lengthy time. Because of it my mom now has permanent nerve damage in her legs and hands. My mom and I are extremely close, and I can only say that while guillain barre weakened her physical structure it only strengthened our bond. I love her with all my heart, along with my sister and dad, and they are honestly my best friends as an added bonus to being my family.

So, as you might suspect, I hated seeing my mother in such a panicked state. I walked around the car to the sliding side door of the van. My mother had crawled into the back seat and I was looking forward to giving her a big hug and raising her spirits. As I got to the door though and my mom was completing her trip, I noticed an arm coming up from behind the back seat. My mom was blocking most of my view of the man as he crawled over the seat.

"MOM! It's him!" I yelled as I grabbed onto my mom's arm. He grabbed my mom's waist and started pulling her out of the van's sliding door on the opposite side. I took my hand and tried scratching at his face. He had orange age-spots all over his forehead. Somehow he was very strong, and if we were arm wrestling I would be at the part where I'm fighting for my life just inches above the surface. I looked around for my dad. I saw a lot of peolpe walking on the edge of the parking lot. There were a lot of white polos, but no Dad.

I went to yell, but there was no sound.

I woke up, it was about 7:20 am. I immediately grabbed my blanket and went into my parent's south-west bedroom, next to the south-east bathroom, to see if I could catch my mom before she had gone to work - my dad was there, but my mom had already left.

I laid back down in my bed. I had this strange remorse for waking up and leaving my mom in the dream. I still feel like a part of her is being abducted by this strange man in some dream reality somewhere and I left when I woke up. I've been having a very strange, slow-moving morning since... the dream was just so realistic and painful.

It's my break now. I'm going to call my mom. I miss her.

Orange Mamba, You're Fired!

Not to pull a Donald here... but I finally got to experience the orange Mamba, and I have to say, it's my least favorite flavor of the bunch. I was so excited at the first glimpse of the orange package wrapping, when I first opened the stick, but I just didn't find anything special about them. Blah.

Also, I found out today that due to the loss of a flex client my company is going to have to downsize our department. Nobody knows who they will need to get rid of yet, but we will be notified within the next 5 days...

I believe this downsizing mainly has to do with the operations team (i.e. claims processing/implimentation/etc.), and I've heard through the questionably reliable grape vine that us in the call center really shouldn't have anythign to worry about, but I can't help but freak out a little bit. Anybody who is going to be terminated will have a month or so before they actually have to leave, which gives them good time to find a new job...

Severence compensation will also be given, once the employee actually leaves... apparently our company's policy is one week's pay per full year of employment. Which means if I got terminated I would only receive ONE weeks worhth of severence. WTF?

As you can tell, today has been rather disappointing. So, I apologize for nothing shnazzy.

Wanta Gypsy Robe?

Maybe I should have named my blog "Pin-stripe" as that seems to be the new theme of my layout. I just created the new banner and the background and they are completely temporary until I get the motivation to do something better. I want to do something art-deco style... hmmm.

Yesterday was very interesting. I woke up with very puffy and painful skin around my eyes, so I took the day off. I applied aloe vera on the areas all day until I headed to do our opening performance.

I was already having an off day, with the eye-fiasco, that when it took me 30 minutes to get bobby-pins in my hair, I just broke down. I refused to go rehearse the bows, got a little snippity with the assistant stage manager, and I ended up having a co-cast member help me. Once the pins were finally in, the costumer came up to me with a wig cap and said, "I hear you need this". I am so glad I have a wig cap now, but goodness it definitely would have helped to have it a half-hour prior.

Embarrassment was the emotion of the moment, after letting bobby-pins open the flood gates to the entire days frustrations, when I was suddenly awarded the Gypsy Robe from the last show (Urinetown)'s owner Michael Fischetti. I can't tell you how bad I felt at that point.

Long ago, actors didn't really have venues to perform in and had to tour with the clothes on their backs from town to town to do their shows. At that time they were referred to as 'gypsies' and they would take a little something from each town as a memento. Well, at Bloomington Civic Theatre we have a tradition where someone from each show is awarded the Gypsy Robe for having portrayed a wonderful theatre spirit. Usually its given to someone who has made some sort of accomplishment in the show - whether its making a change within their own acting career or making a simple change in their cast members' lives. The person it's awarded to then attaches something to the robe to honor the show and its experiences and hands it off to someone in the next show that they feel best exemplifies the qualities previously mentioned. It's a popular tradition for many New York theatres - and you can see the gypsy robe for one such theatre above - yay Avenue Q!

Only a couple of minutes before I got the robe I had pretty much refused to participate in a theatre activity (with reason though, as my make up usually takes anywhere from 45-60 minutes and it was only 30 minutes before the show started), and I had been stern with the asm and teared up at my station. I did not feel like I exemplified a wonderful theatre spirit at that time. I accepted the robe and apologized to a couple of people that had witnessed my embarrassing moment.

I am extremely excited though to attach something to the robe, I just need to think of what it could be - The show is called "The Fantasticks" and when I first auditioned for it back in High school someone asked "what's a Fanta Stick?" so maybe I could take the drumsticks in the show and put Fanta soda labels on them? Um, no... that would be too cheesy. This show is so beautiful, I have to do something that reflects that beauty. I'll think of something.

Meanwhile, I know my friend Meghan LOVES this commercial to death, so since we're on the topic, I'll post it!

videos only appear on the blog site

Remember That Sunscreen Song?

Some advice to myself and to anybody else who wants some words of wisdom - do not spread yourself too thin. Make sure you always have time set aside for yourself or you will go crazy. Also make sure that you get enough sleep and try not to make it a habit to exchange your very valuable bed time for a not as valuable "me" time. If you don't get enough sleep everynight you will be cranky and tired and ultimately that will be worse than if you didn't get to watch a recorded show or play a video game - those will always be there when you have the time. Plus, going to bed earlier will make the week go by that much faster.

Be patient. Take a deep breath when you're feeling "touchy" and don't let it get to you. If you had a bad conversation on the phone, or you just in general have bad encounters with people lately, chalk it up to them having a bad day. Only you can stop the misery disease from spreading.

Pay Tony for the liquid latex - this is mainly for myself only - You might not want to spend a half hour putting the gross stuff on your face before every show, but you agreed to play the part so follow through. Also, you need to buy some more transluscent face powder, as well as new foundation, and while you're at it some white face paint and a new make up box; your cardboard Ben Nye box that the make up came in when you bought the student pack 4 years ago should be replaced. And don't get too worked up/nervous about auditions. You can do it, just relax and be yourself. You'll have more fun and everyone else in the room will too.

Work pays your bills. Don't have too many thoughts of taking days off. You needed the break yesterday and no matter how rough and busy this week will be you can make it through. Just make sure you go to bed early tonight. No more of this after midnight crap - not for this week at least. Not everyday will be slow enough for you to fall asleep at your desk.

Enjoy life

No video today - it's an exception.