***Disclaimer: I apologize in advance for this depressing entry. I don't believe in deleting something I've written and posted, even if I look back on it and regret it... I may have needed the cathartic release... but, just to balance it out I might post something a little more upbeat and happy later on, if my mood improves by the end of the day***
I'm not big on posting personal troubles on this blog - it doesn't make for fun/happy-go-lucky blogs - But, I just can't think of anything but troubles today - my mind right now is a complete pile of mush and I'm on the verge of another anxiety attack - I had one last Friday when I was at work and I left early, I can't do that again.
The last time before last week that I had one of these attacks was over a year prior - when I was working for a different company and was being intimidated/harassed by my manager and my manager's manager who was secretary to the president of the company. It ended with me getting distracted while at work and making subconscious mistakes here and there, which ultimately got me terminated. It was not a good time in my life, but I was able to find employment within a week, and the month's worth of severence made for a nice break. I've been with that new employment since, and I have a real manager now; not a hot-headed, non-business-like manager who was in desparate need of anger-management.
If it's not my job, then what is causing this anxiety?
Life in general, at the moment. Work + Theatre + Housesitting/Dogsitting leave little time to stop and think. To be more personal, which I'm almost scared to be on here, are guys. If you have ever known me, you will probably have noticed that I am never with someone on my arm, I'm always single.
I can't tell you how many times in the past week alone that I've been asked "Why are YOU single?" - I just don't have an answer to that.
In some scenarios, I become infatuated by someone, for having an amazing personality and being attractive... but I can't control my infatuation very well at all, when it happens. I will push the person away somehow, by becoming clingy or always wanting to talk to them/be around them.
In others, I settle for someone that isn't necessarily my cup of tea, but is a good person, and then I just get angry right away. I know I don't want to be with them, and so I'll get touchy... nothing will happen as I get scared to hurt their feelings by telling them that I'm not interested anymore, and then when it happens I lose even a friendship with them.
Then there are the times when I'm just not attracted at all. I don't try to be anyone else but me, and they fall head over heels.
Why can't I just have that same sense of mind with guys that I do find interesting and do genuinely like? Why can't I just sit back and not feel the need to impress them or talk with them all the time? Why can't I control the urge to express my feelings? I'm just so bad at this dating game... it's depressing.
Valentines Day doesn't ever really get me down, and it didn't this year... this morning I woke up feeling really good... but then things happen. People text me or write me or somehow let me know that I'm rejected once again. Even if they know me, and they know that I'm not normally clingy or obsessive, that I have a hard time controlling these emotions when they pop up, that they can't look past my flaws right now and they need to get as far away as possible.
Nothing has ever worked for me in calming down my nerves when I get infatuated/rejected, and while I have some good things to look forward to in the future, it's all just overpowered by this feeling of being alone... being rejected... my whole life of dating has been a rejection
so when people ask me why I'm single, I mainly say "I don't know, good question" because saying "when I like someone, I get uncontrolably clingy in the beginning, and I have a tendancy to smother someone to the point of them wanting to move to China" isn't going to help my cause AT ALL.
So right now, to those few of you that I may have pushed away, although none of them will probably ever read this, I apologize for putting you in an uncomfortable position. It's a shame for me to project myself in a manner that doesn't give justice to the terrific person that I am.
We all have flaws, and mine just happens to be a hill that nobody is willing to climb. At least I will always have my family, and some theatre friends
Friday, February 15, 2008
I Don't Know, Good Question
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7 comments:
Sorry you're having a rough day. Don't get down on yourself. Dating is tough--no matter what--and it takes a lot of self-reflection and assessment to figure out what YOU really want.
Keep your chin up! I've been there myself.
I know what I want, I do, it's just a matter of keeping my cool and staying myself when I see it. I feel like I turn into that kid who just saw the toy he's always wanted in a window display, he can't break the glass, but I think I do break it, a little too often.
I can sympathize with you.
Anxiety attacks are awful.
Being perpetually single is also not enjoyable.
Don't over analyze though. I'm sure you'll end up with a cool guy. That's what I try and tell myself at least. :)
As someone who has never been in a relationship (serious or casual), I can totally understand where you're coming from.
However, I think the key is to not believe what you said at the end that "We all have flaws, and mine just happens to be a hill that nobody is willing to climb."
Yes we do all have flaws. Probably more than we want others to know. However, I think if we focus on the flaws in our life, we miss out on what all we have going for us. So, maybe it was just an "off the cuff" remark, but don't ever believe that there isn't someone out there who won't want see past those flaws and not only climb to the top of that hill, but will want to do it side-by-side with you.
p.s. I'm not a part of your family, and I don't know you from the theater, but I still count you as a friend.
Thanks everyone - yeah, I have had moments where I haven't though of my flaws and everything goes well... so, I just need to ignore it, and just keep my confidence and strength in knowing that I'm a great person and don't NEED to impress someone.
when it comes down to it, I think we are all that little boy in the candy shop. There are those people who are practically always in a relationship, and there are those who are not. I think it's more impressive that a person like you, i.e. a great, amazing person, has the independence factor to stay single that long. It says more about how strong you are personally than how you react to others, I think. You are truly a great friend, by the way.
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