Let's Meet The Lovers... I Mean Teams

The next season of Big Brother premiered last night and sure enough it was immediately revealed that this season was going to be called Big Brother: Matchmaker.

Sigh.

Before the show they all took some extensive testing, answering many questions about their personalities and interests (according to what Julie Chen, the Chenbot, said).

CHENBOT!

Based on these results they split everyone into eight groups of two, pronouncing them as 'til death do you part' partners. These partners have to do everything together, even sleep in the same bed and be eliminated together. This is going to be a short season with everyone leaving two at a time. Boo.

There are two other 'twists' that were announced in the game play last night. One is an ex boyfriend and girlfriend couple - he cheated on her a long time ago and they broke it off and she shut him out of her life for good, until they got partnered up this season. Meet the happy couple:

--JACOB & SHARON--
"Team Shacob (Shack Up)"

Jacob: 'Jacob is an ex-Marine now working as an electrician. He has lived all over the world and attended elementary school in San Diego, California and Okinawa, Japan before moving to Maryland, then Jacksonville, North Carolina. He is single and trying to move on from his last relationship, although he still has feelings for the woman who was his childhood sweetheart.'

He's a cutie and seems to really feel bad for his stupid cheating mistake. It's ok Jake-y!

Sharon: 'Sharon is a military brat (her dad has served in the Marine Corps for 28 years) who easily adapts to any situation. She is spirited and lively, feisty and dramatic, but she also sees herself as being sweet. Sharon, who is currently single, has been in a 12-year on/off relationship with a guy who followed her home in the 8th grade. She describes herself as loud, dramatic and over the top.'

She was kind of a downer the whole episode. The only way to get past this angry state is to GET PAST IT. Be a strong woman. Being partnered to Jacob doesn't mean you have to be his girlfriend again.

The OTHER twist, which seems to be more fun than the first as it involves secrets, mwahaha, regards a couple who is together and very much in love. The challenge is that they have to be partnered with other people and keep their existing relationship a secret. Remember our confusing friend Jen? The single yet taken gal? Well she's a part of it! She's partnered with Parker.

--JEN & PARKER--
"Team Jerker"

Jen: 'Jen describes herself as energetic, adventurous and beautiful, as well as a fighter and competitor. Her pets include her dog, a pug named Oscar, and a box turtle named Shellamar.'

You know, I really like her a lot - when at first glance I thought she was going to be some flirty tramp ho. She seems to really care about her boyfriend, and even though she's been a little flirty with Parker, I'm sure it's all a game - she's playing her part of the twist really well so far.

Parker: 'Parker graduated with a bachelor's degree in radio/television from Southern Illinois University, Carbondale and currently works as a photographer for TMZ. He served in the Air Force from 1999-2002 and received a general discharge. He admits that he couldn't conform to military standards.'

PAPARAZZO! RUN! I kind of feel bad for him, he has no chance with Jen as she is already taken. He seems nice, but you know the lengths some photographers take to get what they want! Dun dun dun!

Jen's other half is her boyfriend Ryan - who I for some reason find to be insanely adorable, and is paired up with Allison.

--RYAN & ALLISON--
"Team Allisyan (All is sighin')"

Ryan: 'When it comes to relationships, Ryan describes his ideal romantic partner as pretty, intelligent, motivated and aware of what she's doing in life. He sees himself as intelligent, easy-going and thinks he has a good sense of humor. He has one pet, an American Pit Bull terrier named Jada.'

He needs to make sure he doesn't stare too much at Jen like he did this past episode. At some point he will get insecure and paranoid, I can already tell, but I hope they successfully keep their secret going the whole way!

Allison: 'Allison was interested in becoming a professional gambler but failed miserably at it. Now she has a strong aversion to gambling and doesn't do it at all. She describes herself as confident, agile and sexy'

She was kind of invisible for this first episode... and agile she was not in the first challenge - she couldn't get back up after reaching for the heart pillow - I will explain the challenge later.

There is one couple that Big Brother set up just for conflict as they are the furthest thing from a good match as can be.

--SHEILA & ADAM--
"Team Sheildam (Sheild 'Em)

Sheila: 'Sheila is a former model who is now a stay-at-home mom to a 16-year-old boy, Mikhail. She studied acting for 15 years both in New York and Los Angeles. She and her son have a dog named Kitty.'

They totally ruined the MILF potential in this woman - there could have been a Mrs Robinson relationship in the house. She was our first to cry this season, but I don't blame her - I would to if I was partnered up with...

Adam: 'Adam is very close to his mother. He sees himself as an "in the moment" kind of guy when it comes to relationships and likes aggressive women who know themselves well. He talks a big game with women and considers himself to be quite the Casanova.'

Casanova my ass. He's a big pile of gross, and was so rude to Sheila after they got partnered up. Plus, he's a PR manager? With that attitude/mouth how is HE a PR manager? I changed my mind, he should be the first to go.

Speaking of my old decision of who should leave early...

--JAMES & CHELSIA--
"Team Jalsia (Jail, See Ya!)

James: 'His favorite movie is "Fight Club" and his favorite music is by The Clash. James has seven tattoos. He is currently single, but was engaged to an older woman at one point.'

Ummm, hello - this is who should have been with the MILF! - James surprised me a lot this episode. He wasn't as loud or annoying as I thought; however, I was amazed at the slight anger management problem when he got pissed off at Chelsia and threw a pillow at her face. He might be the next one to get sent out by the network for knife play.

Chelsia: 'Chelsia says she has had everything pierced and has three tattoos, two of which cover her back. She loves to watch football and her favorite activities include dancing, drinking, going out and watching movies.'

I don't like this girl. My first impression was just overall gross. The part about liking men with bikes though was kind of funny.

Remember our Minnesota girl?

--AMANDA & ALEX--
"Team SPAMdex"

Amanda: 'She's a hopeless romantic and wonders where all the good men are in the world. She sends her friends a daily motivational quote of the day by text message. Her favorite activities include running, shopping, dancing and entertaining. She loves football and played powder puff football in high school. She has two cats, and one, Chloe, thinks she's a dog.'

My cat used to think he was a rabbit... what's up with the cats here?

Alex: 'Alex was born and raised in Staten Island with his younger brother by his single mom. His father came into his life in high school and he tragically lost him on 9/11 in World Trade Center 2. Alex has dedicated his life to making his dad proud.'

This is going to be one of my favorite teams on the show. He had only wonderful things to say about Amanda in the beginning - but I was a little worried at his reaction when Amanda fell somewhat early in the comp. They're so cute!

One of my least favorite duos in the show though...

--MATT & NATALIE--
"Team Holy Ho"
no name trick there

Matt: 'Matt is the ultimate competitor and feels he has something to prove since he lost on Couples' "Fear Factor" three years ago. He keeps most of his exes around for "booty calls," except his most recent ex who hooks up or flirts with guys to get him angry'

Probably the only thing Big Brother had to do to make this guy happy was give him a couple of big breasts. He seems to be the chauvanist of the season, and was constantly talking about how he wanted to have sex with all of the girls... put it away, please.

Natalie: 'Natalie is religious and takes her Bible everywhere. She's still very proud of her figure and loves to enter bikini contests. She previously won the title of Miss Hawaiian Tropic Oregon. She claims that she can make any coffee drink imaginable, and in a bikini at that.'

Who is this girl and why are you on this show? Oh, and you can put it away too, please.

That leaves us with group 8 - the boys!

--JOSHUAH & NEIL--
"Team Gnosh (Ganache)"

Joshuah: 'Football is his favorite sport. He played from the 4th to the 12th grades in school and loves watching college football. His has a huge fear of snakes and thinks they are the spawn of Satan.'

Is this fear directly out of the Adam and Eve story? And how can you fear snakes? You have a one-eyed one and you yearn for others that have them too...

Neil: 'Neil is close to his mother and says no matter what they are talking about they always end up laughing. She is currently in the throes of a divorce and he is definitely there to support her in her time of need.'

Neil, you sound like a good guy. I don't know how much you'll like Joshuah, as in my opinion it wouldn't really be a match made in heaven - but what do I know, I've only seen you guys interact for... 5 seconds, which is enough for some gay boys - oy.

So those are the teams! Who are you going to root for?

Well, just to give you some insight on the fun times that are ahead - the first challenge (just in case you didn't watch) involved the teams holding eachother suspended above a bed. If they reached down and grabed the heart shape pillow on the bed and won the challenge they would get an extra 10,000.00 - Jen and Parker won... they have to chose a team to go home and Parker wants it to be the threatening Ryan and Allison team... how can Jen say no without giving away her secret? DUN DUN DUN! Tune in, tonight! YAY!

I hope that there's a challenge with a giant martini-glass bed...